The New Ten Commandments

Have you heard the Good News?

Well, if you aren't a white American evangelical or fundamentalist Christian, you probably haven't heard the news that the Ten Commandments have unofficially been updated for the modern Christian. Why unofficial? Well, they haven't been updated in new editions of The Holy Book itself yet, but these values ultimately lie at the absolute core of modern Christianity, particularly in evangelicalism, the only correct denomination.

It is no secret that modern evangelicalism is a sex cult, with some Dante, the thirteenth apostle from around 700 years ago, sprinkled in there. The main teachings of Jesus are, of course, of no concern to the modern Christian. There is absolutely no need to feed the poor, help the sick or even to love your neighbor because, once you are saved, you don't need to worry about any of that. Your number one focus is purely sexual morality.

So without further ado, I present to you the New Ten Commandments of American Evangelicalism:

1. You shall not have sex before marriage.

2. You shall not even masturbate.

3. You shall not have any sexual desire until thy wedding day.

4. You shall get married as quickly as possible for the purpose of having sex, love shall not play a major role.

5. The ONLY purpose of a woman shall be to have sex with her husband and bare as many children as God decides.

6. You shall not be homosexual, nor have any other sexual orientation other than straight.

7. Strict gender roles shall be maintained, for real men want to bang feminine women as it is the natural sexual order of things.

8. Woman shall dress modestly to avoid men finding them too sexually attractive.

9. Abortion shall be regarded as murder, what what makes it mostly a sin is that abortion is the result of premarital sex. Therefore you shall not express kindness to these women.

10. Anyone who breaks these commandments shall be shamed and shunned from their community, except married men who shall be immediately forgiven.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, I shall continue to obsess over sexual morality than actually benefiting the world.

Amen.